The Queen of Iron Fist: Anne Robinson?!
by Dezzie Chan
Summary: The men and women of the Tekken cast are the contestants on The Weakest Link... what more do you need to know? I know, it's really lame, but it MIGHT prove funny! Please R&R!


Summary: The men and women of the Tekken cast are the contestants on The Weakest Link... what more do you need to know? I know, it's really lame, but it MIGHT prove funny!  
Rated: PG.. I don't think the words are that naughty... they're all bleeped, anyway.  
Distribution: Why would anyone wanna distribute my work? ; Just ask first, please.  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Tekken characters; they're all © Namco. And thank God, I don't think I could manage them ^_^;  
  
  
  
  
The Queen of Iron Fist: Anne Robinson?!  
  
by Dezzie-Chan ^.^  
  
  
A bunch of blue lights flash all around the familiar setting of the popular game show The Weakest Link, and a big sign flashes the words "APPLAUSE" to the audience. After a few camera spins around the hopeful contestants, we see the black velvet-suit and glasses wearing Anne Robinson, the host of the show.  
  
Anne: Hello, and welcome to.. (pause) The Weakest Link! I'm Anne Robinson, and this is our panel of brainless contestants, whom I shall now introduce... not that you care!  
Xiaoyu: Geez! You don't have to be so mean about everything! (folds her arms with a huff)  
Anne: (ignoring Xiaoyu) First is Bryan Fury who won't divulge his occupation, most likely because he isn't smart enough to hold a steady job...  
  
Bryan ignores Anne's comments, but she doesn't seem to notice considering the way she smiles smugly afterward.  
  
Anne: Next is Hwoarang, who's name is ridiculous to even try to pronounce--  
Hwoarang: (rolling his eyes) 'Cause you're an idiot.  
Anne: (gazes, unaffected, at the Korean) Actually, it's because I don't have time to waste on a name I'll never say again.  
Hwoarang: Actually... (tossing his hair) I'm famous enough that you'll probably say that name more than you can handle, much unlike you, who everyone will forget about once this stupid-(bleep) show goes off air to make room for Survivor IV (smirks proudly).  
Anne: On the contrary, no one will remember you once some other, newer game puts yours on the discount shelf.   
  
Hwoarang narrows his eyes and opens his mouth to shoot back a comment, but Anne continues to the next contestant before he can.  
  
Anne: Ling Xiaoyu is a student in the Japanese Mishima School, which still probably isn't good enough to win her any money.   
  
Xiaoyu makes a cute insulted face, but can't think of anything to do besides mutter that Anne is a meanie. Anne hears her, but just smiles, almost in a proud sense.  
  
Anne: And here we have Heihachi Mishima who I respect for his heartless nature, but I can't understand how someone so stupid could ever run such a big-time conglomerate.  
Heihachi: (growls something under his breath, furrowing his brows) Insolent wench...  
Anne: There's no need to get mad if it's not true, just prove me wrong when the game starts; I trust you can't. Next is the young and naïve Jin Kazama, who claims his only occupation is as a student and martial artist...  
Jin: (meekly) Um, well, Miss Robinson, it IS my only occupation...  
Anne: (gives him an icy glare, which causes Jin to cough and look down apologetically) ..which also explains why he needs to get on our show to attempt to win some money! And another thing, don't talk back to me. Moving along, here is Yoshimitsu, who leads a gang of ninjas known as the manji, which I might add, is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.  
Yoshimitsu: (shaking his sword that he never seems to be seen without) Manji is a good name!  
Anne: I was referring to the fact you lead a gang of ninjas, but now that you mention it, Manji is a stupid name, as well.  
  
Yoshimitsu looks very angry... although I guess the mask always looks angry.  
  
Anne: I'm annoyed with all of your smart-mouth comebacks, so I'll introduce the rest of you in a fast fashion... also joining us is Nina Williams who is apparently a woman of little modesty, Paul Phoenix, who is apparently a man of no brain, and Kuma, who is apparently a bear which is completely past me.  
  
Kuma tilts his head quizzically.  
  
Anne: I should probably explain the game, because it's far too complicated for these contestants to commit to memory, so here it is. I will ask you a question that you must answer to gain any money. The amount of money will rise for each correct answer, but if you get a question wrong, no money will be gained and you will go back to the smallest amount of money, lose all the money you had won up until that point and have to reclimb the cash ladder. The only way to keep money is to call "Bank" before I ask the question, but that will also send you back to the beginning. Once the round is completed, you will be asked to vote off a fellow contestant, and they will take the walk of shame off the program.   
  
Everyone nods (particularly Kuma, who looks very happy) except Bryan who wasn't listening, and Heihachi, who doesn't understand the directions.  
  
Anne: Then it is time to play... the Weakest Link!   
  
All the blue lights flash around again, as Anne begins the rapid-fire questioning.  
  
Anne: Bryan - how many games are in your game's series?  
Bryan: I don't care.  
Anne: Incorrect. Hwoarang, what, in the 1400's, was considered the center of the universe?  
Hwoarang: Probably me. (grins)  
Anne: (unimpressed) Incorrect, you're considered an idiot... Xiaoyu - which country is nicknamed the Land of the Golden Fleece?  
Xiaoyu: Um... um... um...  
Anne: I'm sorry, "um" is incorrect. Heihachi - what is the hottest planet of our solar system?  
Heihachi: (confused) Your directions are pathetic, and far too complicated. I must hear them another time..  
Anne: That is incorrect, and my directions are only too complicated if you have the brain of a fly larvae... Jin - a question similar to the previous, which star, besides the sun, is closest to Earth?  
Jin: (slight pause) Proxima Centauri.  
Anne: (raises her eyebrows) Correct. Yoshimitsu - why am I such an old (bleep)?  
Yoshimitsu: You were born that way!  
Anne: Surprisingly, correct. Nina --  
Nina: (notices Paul is next, and quickly cries) Bank!  
Anne: Will you continue to not age for the benefit of Tekken's appeal to young hormone-driven males?  
Nina: Of course..  
Anne: Unfortunately, that is correct. Paul -  
Paul: I forgot what I was s'posed to do.. er.. (scratches back of his head and looks around)  
Anne: (disgusted) True or false, water is known as the universal solvent?  
Paul: Uh, false! Motor oil is!  
Anne: Incorrect. Kuma, what is the eighteenth letter of the English alphabet?  
Kuma: Rrr...  
Anne: Correct. Bryan - who's concept was "The Laws of Heredity"?  
Bryan: No one cares.  
Anne: Incorrect. Hwoarang - here's one made for you. What is seventeen minus four?  
Hwoarang: (rolls eyes as if Anne were an idiot, and says in an indignant tone) Thirteen.  
Anne: Correct, you actually know one insignificant fact..  
Hwoarang: (mutters something under his breath)  
Anne: Xiaoyu - what is the name of the currency is used in Russia?  
Xiaoyu: (blinks) I.. I don't know! (covers face with hands)  
Anne: Incorrect, unsurprisingly. Heihachi - how many Mishimas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  
Heihachi: (pause) ...bank.  
Anne: Incorrect, not that you could have banked money, anyway.. the correct answer is not possible, Mishimas are too stupid to screw in a lightbulb... And that concludes our round. you managed to make an amazing... nothing!... and now it's time to find out who is.... the Weakest Link!  
Nina: I banked money, though...  
Anne: Well, no one cares, sunshine. Vote!  
  
The blue lights flash around again, and Kuma paws at one of the spotlights curiously. After an agonizing minute of silence, and Jin and Hwoarang exchanging angry sidelong glances, the voting time is up.  
  
Anne: I see here that Bryan has been voted as The Weakest Link--  
Hwoarang: (irritatedly) I voted for Jin!  
Jin: (scoffs) Well I voted for Hwoarang...  
Anne: BUT since I'm in such a bad mood, and we're running short on time, I'm going to also remove Nina Williams because I hate her skirt, Yoshimitsu because his mask reminds me of a bad Kabuki episode I had, and Xiaoyu because I am insanely jealous of anyone better looking than me... all of you, YOU ARE the Weakest Links... g'bye!  
  
We cut to the videos taken after all of them lose.  
  
Nina: (looking slightly mad, but calm) The (bleep) in the black suit didn't scare me, at all... I can always come back for her *later*. As for the rest of the contestants, well... (she looks around casually, then smiles) I can always come back for them, too.  
Yoshimitsu: (mutters to himself, sitting Indian style on the floor)  
Xiaoyu: That lady was so mean! I hope she gets a punch in the kisser, someday! (punches the air) Pow!  
Bryan: I don't care.  
  
Anne: And now, we go to our middle round, which afterward, I am sure to one again be a complete witch and eliminate more contestants, because this is an unorthodox show.. not that any of you know the meaning of 'unorthodox'.   
Jin: (chirps happily) Unorthodox; an adjective, referring to something that does not conform to the normal beliefs or practices of--  
Anne: I know what it means!  
Jin: (looking a little let down) Well, I thought in case someone else didn't know...  
Anne: You're an idiot - time to play... the Weakest Link!  
  
The blue lights swirl around once again, causing Paul to observe them like a child watches Pokémon.  
  
Anne: Hwoarang - true or false, your hair is dyed.  
Hwoarang: (sputters) I.. that's... False!  
Anne: Incorrect, it's dyed, just like mine, only better... uh... (nervously) I mean, next question... Heihachi, who was the founder of the Mishima Conglomerate?  
Heihachi: I vote you as The Weakest Link! (points menacingly at Jin) You demon!  
Anne: Incorrect, you voted for Paul because you're jealous that his hair is taller. Jin - what is the definition of 'unorthodox'?  
Jin: (looking defeated and upset) Not conforming to the normal beliefs or practices of society...  
Anne: Correct, I was worried your head was all hair and no brains. Paul - how tall is your hair?  
Paul: (still watching the lights) Wow, they're blue...!  
Anne: Correct, but not for this question, therefore it is incorrect. Kuma - what does a pirate say?  
Kuma: Aarrr...  
Anne: Correct, you appear to be the smartest person here. Hwoarang--  
Hwoarang: You're a (bleep)!  
Anne: (blinks) That is correct. Heihachi - do you understand the directions?  
Heihachi: I... of course I do... (frowns and looks around cautiously)  
Anne: Incorrect, and everyone knows, you're just making a moron of yourself. Jin - who wrote the moral story "The Ugly Duckling"?  
Jin: It was... (pauses) Hans Christian Anderson.  
Anne: That's correct, but I'm not going to give it to you because you waited too long, and plus I hate you. Paul - what do most who claim to have been victims of UFO abductions unitedly report?  
Paul: Hey, look at the lights! See 'em?  
Anne: Correct. Kuma - what's on Hwoarang's mind right now?  
Kuma: (looks around blankly, and scratches his lower back)  
Anne: Also correct.  
Hwoarang: Hey!  
Anne: Wait your turn. Now. Hwoarang -   
Hwoarang: Bank, ya old bag! (growls something not-so-nice)   
Anne: Is my show better than Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?  
Hwoarang: No, you're only popular because you're more of a man than Regis ever was...  
Anne: Correct. (checks the card) Wait! No, my show is better, because this is... The Weakest Link! Heihachi - is the round over?  
Heihachi: No, never!  
Anne: Incorrect, that is the end of the second round, in which you won $2.50, which is enough for plastic surgery to make any of you not-quite-so-hideous. And now, you must once again vote off... The Weakest Link!  
  
The blue lights flash around, and everyone (who are all very upset by now) punch in their votes.  
  
Anne: (once the lights have calmed) Ah, and... The Weakest Link! Is... what?! (looks in disbelief) Me?!  
Hwoarang: Yeah, ya ugly (bleep)! Take your (bleep) Walk of (bleep)in' Shame out of here!  
Anne: You can't do this to me, it's not in the rules... this is... The Weakest Link! And it's my show! Instead I am going to take off Paul because his hair distracts me, and because I don't like him, I'm going to send Heihachi packing so he can go read the rule book, and while I'm on a roll, Hwoarang can take a hike and go get a new hair-stylist!  
  
They all walk backstage, and Hwoarang flips off Anne Robinson as he walks by, getting the finger blurbed out. Anne smirks at him, causing him to take a lunge at her. He is escorted backstage by security. It cuts once again to the videos filmed after the walk of shame.  
  
Paul: Did you see the lights? They were pretty nifty... Uhhh... what do you mean I lost, hmm?!! (pause) Can I order a pizza, now?  
Hwoarang: (cracking his knuckles) She's a (bleep). That's all I can say. A (bleep)in' (bleep). And I'm going to get her for this.. nobody makes fun of my hair, (bleep) it!  
Heihachi: I knew the rules. I did. Ask anyone.. I just had a unique strategy, that apparently, the ignorant whelp of a host doesn't understand. Really.  
  
Anne: And now we are at the final round.. Jin, you will be versus Kuma in a one-on-one quiz where whoever answers more correctly will win. Do you understand?  
Jin: (somewhat indignantly) I'm not an idiot...  
Anne: You're right - an idiot is described as dull-witted, while you have no wit whatsoever... it is now time to play the last round! We will begin with Kuma, because Jin will get us off to a bad start..  
Jin: (narrows his eyes and makes a motion with his hands like he would love to get them around Anne's neck)  
Anne: Let's play... the Weakest Link!  
  
The lights dart around, and someone in the audience has a seizure from the erratic light patterns. Paul wanders back out and points at the lights while exclaiming "Oooh! Look!"  
  
Anne: Kuma - what is the chemical symbol on the periodic table for radium?  
Kuma: Rrr.. aahh!  
Anne: Correct, Ra is the correct symbol.. may I say before I continue you're the only competent person to ever be on this show!   
Jin: (frowns)  
Anne: Jin - what is the highest elevated lake found in the world?  
Jin: Lake Titicaca.  
Anne: Correct. Kuma - what are the two letters used to represent "Rest" and "Relaxation"?  
Kuma: Rrr! Rrr! (waves paws around)  
Anne: Correct, and my, aren't we excited. Jin - what team always marches last in the March Past at the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics?  
Jin: The host country.  
Anne: Correct. Kuma - fill in the missing letters.  
  
The word "antidisest_blishmenta_ianis_" is shown on a screen before the panelists.  
  
Kuma: Aaahh... (Kuma scratches at his ear, trying to get something out of it) Rrrr... (he removes his paw, and sticks it in his mouth) Mmm..  
Anne: Correct.  
Jin: (jaw drops)  
Anne: Jin - who invented the rabies vaccine?  
Jin: Oh, man... (thinks very hard) ...Pasteur... L. Pasteur?  
Anne: Incorrect - you didn't say what the L stood for.  
Jin: Oh, for the love of.. was it Louis? Louis Pasteur?  
Anne: That's correct, but your chance has past. Kuma -   
Jin: (slams both hands on his podium) All the questions you ask him have "arrr" or "rah" or "grr" or something in the answer! It's not fair!  
  
The audience (which is as vicious as the host) start booing.  
  
Anne: Well... I see we have a sore loser. Just because you're so incredibly stupid doesn't mean you have to accuse us of partiality, because as we know, I hate everyone.  
Jin: Yeah? (hops down from off his place and advances towards Anne Robinson)  
Anne: Wait.. you can't do that! That's not how you play... the Weakest Link!  
Jin: (stops right in front of Anne Robinson, and pokes her roughly with one hand) YOU need to realize you are quizzing a bear! Well I say (pauses mockingly) The Weakest Link! needs to get some new rules if that's how you play!  
Paul: (forgets the lights a minute) Yeah! Stupid bear! (runs over to tackle Kuma)  
Kuma: (easily picks up Paul as he runs by and throws him to the side) Rrr?  
Jin: I think - no - I DEMAND you give me the win right now! Or I'm... I'm going to get violent! (folds his arms adamantly)  
Anne: No! This is.. The Weakest Li--  
  
Hwoarang, Yoshimitsu and Xiaoyu walk back out.  
  
Xiaoyu: Couldn't you just be nice?! (she bouncily hops up next to Anne and gives her a dirty look) If you apologize, maaaaaybe I'll forgive you!  
Anne: Why you little-- get away from my podium!  
Hwoarang: (taps Xiaoyu's shoulder) Come on, do something useful for once and throw the first punch!  
Xiaoyu: Hey! I do do useful stuff!  
Jin: Yeah, Hwoarang! You wouldn't know chivalry if it bit you in the.. well, you-know-what! I can't say that on national television... (sigh)  
Xiaoyu: Yeah, Hwoarang! (sticks out her tongue)  
Yoshimitsu: Wait, children... this is not the time to fight... (he separates the three with a sweep of his hands) It is the time to unite against... (he points at Anne Robinson) THAT!  
Hwoarang: Tsh. Okay, Predator is right, this time... let's kick her (bleep), then!  
  
All four begin to advance on Anne Robinson, and the camera shows their shadows closing in on her.  
  
Anne: Oh, please, I'm not scared of you. I have security! Are all of you idiots? Yes, of course you are! You don't even know the correct rules to... the Weakest Link!  
  
Backstage, security is eating pizza with Paul, and discussing how weird the lights are on the show.  
  
Anne: Security? Security! No... no...! (the figures begin to block her from view) No...!! NOOOOOO!!  
  
Everyone jumps her, and the screen goes to static. After a moment, the screen goes blank and big yellow words read "THE KING OF IRON FIST" and a deep voice echoes the words on screen, as the credits start to roll.  
  
  
  
Author's Note: So, how was it? Please review it! I like it when people review my stuff.. especially when they're nice... Yeah, you can flame me too, although I don't see why you would... EXCEPT!! Please don't flame me because you think I'm making fun of the Tekken characters - more than anything I'm making fun of Anne Robinson and trying to make her as mean as possible because the woman truly is very mean! She makes me cry inside (sniffle..) So if you're going to flame me, don't because you think I hate the characters.. 'cause I love most of 'em! Blame Anne Robinson! Oh, and words are bleeped because this is TV, and you can't say just anything, of course! Nyah! 


End file.
